BOY BANDS

Those who decry the modern music industry as a manufactured showcase for puppet bands manipulated by omnipresent svengali, should cast their minds back to the origins of modern pop, and Elvis Presley, who himself was little more than a phenomenon manufactured by Colonel “Tom” Saunders – the inventor of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Trace this lineage through The Monkees – who unquestionably produced some fine songs – and you realise that such an assertion on the state of modern pop, is a rubbish assertion. Here Bubblegun celebrates some of pop’s most recent manufactured male pap/pop products.

THE BAY CITY ROLLERS

1970s tartan-clad Scot-o-twats, famous for Bye Bye Baby. Boasted something of an “elastic” membership, in that the only constants were Woody and Les, one of whom had a big nose and enormous teeth. The Rollers’ uniform was adopted by their legion of fans; all ankle-cut flares, and wide-collared shirts with the aforementioned tartan trimming. Surprisingly, few other acts to have since descended from Scotland have adopted this style.

BROS

The beginning of the modern era of Boy-band mania circa 1988, Bros were two brothers – the Aryan Matt and Luke Goss – and bass-playing third member, the brunette Clive. Or was it Ken? Whatever the case, Bros – managed by swollen homosexual pop guru Tom Watkins – got too big too fast with tedious hits such as When Will I Be Famous?, and Drop The Boy (“I’m a man” wailed Luke – or was it Matt? – unconvincingly). Famously, the brothers axed Kevin and went on the spend almost all their money as fast as they earned it. Megalomania set in, and the resulting fall-out with Watkins led their flame to flicker and burn out following the second album. Keith shacked up with one of Mel And Kim (whichever one isn’t dead), and became a producer, while Matt (or is it Luke?) now ekes out a career in stage musicals following the dropping of his balls. Luke (or is it Matt?) is doing… something else.

BIG FUN

One of the few mis-fires from 80s “hit factory” Stock, Aitken And Waterman, Big Fun were three blonde pooftahs who sung about dancing around in the sun and touching each others bottoms with their willies. Appeared and disappeared around the same time as the infamous Reynolds Girls (“I’d rather jack than Fleetwood Mac” must surely rank as a more blatant pro-masturbation chant than even Frankie’s Relax”).

NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK

Member-heavy American boy band, who pioneered the “Something for everyone” approach which has become the template for every subsequent manufactured boyband act. The “bad boy” quota was fulfilled by Donny Wahlberg, whose brother, Marky Mark, played Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights. Semi-interestingly, Bubblegun’s own Mr Biffo used to work at Wembley Arena, which required him to monitor the big neon advertising board during pop events. While entering the Arena to supervise the board at a NKOTB gig, he was offered a blow job by a 15 year old girl. Suffice to say, he didn’t accept. She was well ugly… Funnier still, the power failed mid-gig, and the boys were left wandering on stage, unable to comprehend what had gone wrong, eventually Wahlberg, in his revolting Bronx accent, got a microphone and explained “Here’s da situation – we is gonna start da show again”. Not that anyone could hear over the constant whistle-blowing and screaming, and worse still, post-concert the Wembley auditorium was an inch-deep in female ejacula.

TAKE THAT

Britain’s most successful boy band to date. Designed to exclusively appeal to a gay audience. This was missed by most of their fans, in spite of the fact that the band’s videos featured them writhing around semi-naked in baby oil, rubbing their chiselled man-tits for the benefit of the male viewer. Famously imploded when Robbie Williams left, sapping the group of any discernable personality, with the remaining members – Gary Barlow, Jason Orange, Mark Owen and The One With The Dirty Hair – proving too boring for the band’s dwindling fanbase. Barlow, who wrote “most” of the band’s hits, was widely tipped to be the next George Michael following the split, but with him possessing all the charisma of a whelk, it was Robbie Williams (wisely attaching himself to a decent tunesmith, and using his disinterested, sub-Jim Carrey gurning to good effect) who became the megastar. However, sooner or later it’s all going to blow up in his stupid clown face if he continues to do nothing but slag off his former band (reserving particular vitriol for Barlow), and mess up his live performances by refusing to take any of it seriously. We don’t want to see your cock, Robbie; we just want to hear Angels.

EAST 17

Another Tom Watkins signing, and the ying to Take That’s yang. East 17 were four East-End louts, one of whom could sort of write songs and semi-rap (Tony), another who could sing (Brian), and two others who looked as if they’d kick your teeth in if you much as to suggested to them that they could neither sing nor dance (Gripper and Knuckles). Brian was dismissed from the group for enthusing about the wonders of Ecstasy on national radio. Having shacked up with EastEnders actress Daniella Westbrook (herself no stranger to pills and powders), he further blotted his copybook by allegedy beating her around the face with his stumpy little fists. However, by far our favourite East 17 moment was an early appearance by the foursome on Channel 4’s late-night yoof masthead, The Word. During the interview, the band were quizzed on their possible criminal backgrounds, when one of the silent backing dimwiths mumbled “I was only arrested for once but they let me go. They tried to bloody do me for rape…” You could see the colour drain from the faces of the other members, as this unsavoury fact was ejected into the public domain

BOYZONE

Bunch of characterless Irish boys. One of whom is gay. Another is married to a model.

WESTLIFE

Bunch of characterless Irish youths, all of whom are possible gay. Managed by the one out of Boyzone who is married to a model.

FIVE

East 17-style singing thugs. One of whom is a hideous, hook-nosed freak, who is somehow going out with too-young-to-be-that-attractive-
but-look-at-the-size-of-her-mouth pop teen, Billie.

N-SYNC, 911, BOYZ 2 MEN

Identikit non-entities the lot of them.