There’s this photo
that’s been doing the rounds in media circles for years now. It’s a
photo of Debbie McGee, relatively attractive young wife of conjuring
abomination Paul Daniels. Specifially, it’s a photograph – a Polaroid
photograph – of McGee engaging in a certain explicit sex act. But, hey
– don’t you worry none about old man Daniels. He recently addressed
the matter of the photograph, and reveals in his new autobiography (in
which he also claims to have slept with around 300 women – maybe he
really does have magic powers…) that the Polaroid was a “fake”,
mocked up by a “friend” of his on a “computer”. But of course! And
disgraced Labour MP Ron Davis really was “going to dinner” with that
“guy” he met in the “park”!
Aside from
involving conjuring abomination Paul Daniels, and his relatively
attractive young wife (and, indeed, former glamorous assistant) Debbie
McGee, this tale of alleged computer trickery has little to do with
“real” magic. However, it does underline the technological progress
that has rendered Daniels and his like all but obsolete. His primetime
BBC1 show was axed years ago, leaving him to eke out a living doing summer
seasons at Blackpool. Simply put, Daniels’ brand of magic was no longer
relevant to television audiences. Who wants to see another variation on
the girl getting cut in half thing, when Jurassic Park has computer
generated dinosaurs eating people? As that faked Polaroid proves, the real
magic of the modern age is computer technology. And the astonishing amount
of free porn there is available over the Internet.
Another part of the
problem is that everyone knows how the tricks are done these days.
Audiences aren’t as naïve as they once were. Penn And Teller, and
assorted other magic-blowers (not to be confused with Debbie McGee –
another sort of “blower” altogether) have revealed the secrets behind
history’s greatest illusions, and most of the time they turned out to be
far less clever than people assumed. Indeed, during David Copperfield’s
(most famous illusion; making the Statue Of Liberty “vanish” – at
night, naturally) much-publicised early 90s world tour, the posters teased
audiences with promises that the crow-like magician would really “fly”
around the theatre. Audiences were left feeling cheated when Copperfield
took to the air on barely-disguised wires. You see, people have got wise
to the tricks. Modern audiences are looking for wires, and most of the
time they’re finding them.
The girl being cut in
half? She just hides in that curiously over-sized compartment at the
bottom of the box. The girl who disappears from one box, only to appear in
another? There are two identically-dressed girls. Even contemporary
illusionists, like America’s well-respected “street magician” David
Blane, have been the victim of trick-busting. Blane’s infamous
levitating routine, which so teased viewers of his TV special, has been
revealed to be no more clever than standing on tip-toe with one foot,
while the other foot was raised a few inches off the ground.
You have to speculate
why anyone would want to become a stage magician anyway. Is it to bed 300
women in spite of your hideous appearance? Is it to cover up an otherwise
deficient personality? One need only bear witness to the Masonic levels of
secrecy that surrounds The Magic Circle to realise that these people are a
bit “off”. Indeed, we went to school with one pale loner, and Magic
Circle member, who’d wander the school corridors in silence until
beckoned across by thugs, and threatened with a beating lest he sate their
irrational rages with an impromptu conjuring trick. You know; like a
fashionably-dressed time traveller might be elevated to god-hood by a
tribe of cavemen impressed by his Nike training pumps.
Magic is unlikely ever
to make a prime-time resurgence on TV. Magicians will still be in demand
on the live circuit, where can be satisfied that they’re not being
fooled by the usual camera tricks, but these days it’ll take more than
pulling doves out of your arse to convince people to give magic a chance.
Also, there’s probably a place for children’s entertainers still. Kids
never get bored of that thing where they put a spotted hanky inside a bag,
and then turn the bag inside out, and the hanky is gone, but the spots are
now on the lining of the bag, or the trick where you get a rabbit, and
wrap the rabbit’s head in a hanky, and then squash it under your foot
until the rabbit bursts. Oh. Oh wait a second… that’s just something
we do to impress country girls.