10 THINGS YOU GENUINELY
NEVER KNEW ABOUT....
the heart of all good things resides a blackened cancer. Being natural
cynics, we here at Bubblegun automatically assume that people such as
charity volunteers, religious leaders and social workers “doth protest
too much”, and are seeking to conceal their true unpleasantness with
spontaneous acts of kindness and generosity. In fact, we’ve actively
taken to burning down philanthropists’ homes of late, and only last
night we impaled a couple of humanitarians on a sharpened traffic cone,
and beat an altruist to death with the flat of our hand.
Now, then. The Disney
Corporation. It’s built on the principles of goodness and family values,
but everyone knows that Uncle Walt was a bit of a right-wing bigot.
However, having already covered the great animator’s own peculiarities
of personality, Bubblegun has since been digging deep inside the bins of
the Corporation itself, and discovered a 10 dark facts that Walt
“Dis’nae” want you to know about. And we’re not just talking about
Donald Duck refusing to wear trousers. Read on, adventurer…
people have been killed at the Disney parks since they opened in 1955.
The first was 15 year-old Mark Maples, who died in 1964 on the
Disneyland Matterhorn Bobsled ride, when he attempted to stand up in
his sled, and was thrown to his death. The Carousel Of Progress
attraction killed one of its cast members in 1974, when she became
wedge between a rotating wall. A couple of people have drowned in the
park’s Rivers Of America ride, while more recently a guest was
killed when a rope mooring the Columbia sailing ship to the dock broke
free, and whipped Luan Phi Dawson in the head. He died two days later
in hospital, declared “dead in the head”. Also, and somewhat
ironically, a few years ago a four year old girl died of a congenital
heart defect while riding the Body Wars attraction at Florida’s
Disney World Epcot Centre.
1946 Disney created an animated film entitled “The Story Of
Menstruation”. An educational film, it discussed the female
reproductive organs (the “chuff” or “minge”), and processes,
via animation and diagrams. Contrary to rumours, it didn’t feature a
segment where a confused Minnie Mouse experienced her “coming of
age” in a school gym shower, while a laughing Daisy Duck lobbed
sanitary towels at her.
the 8th January 1999, Disney recalled some 3.4 million
copies of its video, The Rescuers. The reason? Two frames of animation
contained a photograph of a topless woman. Unlike rumours of other
subliminal lewdness in animated films – such as the naked Jessica
Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit – The Rescuers scandal was
confirmed by Disney itself. The Rescuers has since been reissued
without the offending frames, but anyone with an original copy of the
film, and a decent slow-motion feature, can find the two offending
frames at approximated 38 minutes into the film, as the heroes ride
through the city on the back of a seagull. Look at the windows on the
buildings in the background.
was also forced to change the lyrics to the opening musical number of
Aladdin for the film’s video release, after Arab-American groups
complained that they were racist. “Where it's flat and it's dense
and the heat is intense” was originally “Where they cut off your
ear if they don't like your face."
attempt by Disney to protect the public from salacious ephemera
resulted in the firing of top sci-fi writer Harlan Ellison – on his
first day at the corporation. Taking lunch on his first day of being
employed by Disney as a writer, the ever controversial Ellison
jokingly suggested to the fellow writers at his table that they
produce “a Disney porn flick”. Ellison proceeded to act out said
film, using graphic mime, and voices of certain popular Disney
characters. Alas, Ellison was unaware he was seated next to several
senior executives, and returned to his desk to find his resignation
notice waiting for him.
Native American Powhatan Nation objected in the strongest terms to
Disney’s depiction of their race in the film Pocahontas, which
relate the allegedly true romance of English colonist John Smith, and
a beautiful Native American girl. The Powhatans claim that Disney
“distorted history beyond recognition”. The real Pocahontas upon
whom the film was based, was a Powhatan called Mataoka. Pocahontas was
a nickname meaning “spoiled child”, and she would have been about
10 or 11 during John Smith’s visit to her village. Smith’s claims,
some 17 years later, that Pocahontas saved him from a clubbing by her
evil father were most likely a justification to wage war upon the
Powhatan Nation. Smith seemingly concocted the story after meeting
Pocahontas in London many years later, where she had come to live with
an Englishman named John Rolfe. Thoughtfully, he waited until she had
achieved a degree of fame throughout London, and died, before
inventing the tale.
buildings in the Disney parks are built with a forced perspective; the
upper floors are to a smaller scale, thus making them appear taller.
This has a subtle psychological on guests who are leaving the park.
Standing at the end of a street, it appears that buildings are closer
than they are, and guests naturally walk more slowly. Tests have
confirmed that most people walk to the right. When facing towards the
exit of the Disney parks, gift shops are to the right of streets, and
food shops and camera film shops to the left. This way, designers have
ensured visitors spend as much money as possible, gravitating to food
shops and film shops upon first entering the park, and lingering at
gift shops on the way home. On Main Street you may also feel
uncommonly peckish – vents in the street pump out the
hunger-inducing scent of Vanilla and Cinnamon.
parks use a code system to report emergencies. Among the most
interesting is the 10-99 code, meaning “undesirable person”. If a
Disney “cast member” (the name for all Disney employees – even
in Disney Shops and offices worldwide) reports a 10-99B it means
“undesirable black person”, 10-99O “undesirable Oriental
person”, and 10-99L “undesirable Latino person”. 11357 refers to
marijuana, 417G reports a handgun, 647F refers to a drunk and
disorderly guest, and 5150 reveals that there is a generic lunatic on
fun, nutty writer William S. Burroughs used to shoot posters of Mickey
Mouse with a double-barreled shotgun.
Donald Duck doesn’t wear any trousers.