Warner Bros. are in a
quandary. After Joel Schumacher effectively killed its lucrative Batman
franchise with his Batman & Robin pantomime, Warners have been
undecided as to the direction of their property. Three projects are known
to sit upon the drawing board. Batman: Year One is a movie prequel to the
existing movie series, featuring a return to basics for the character as
he adopts the bat-mantle for the first time, Batman Beyond is a futuristic
live-action take on the Dark Knight based upon the recent animated series,
while Bruce Wayne would be a high-budget TV show dealing with the
character as he undergoes the training that would make him a caped
However, there is a
fourth project circulating at Warners. Itís a script for Batman V, a
logical, chronological continuation of the series to date, and potentially
the best Batman movie ever made. Through our contacts within the trousers
of Hollywood itself, Bubblegun has managed to get hold of the Batman V
screenplay, and at great personal risk, we present an extract her Ė
itís another Bubblegun exclusive!
A dark, foreboding subterranean cavern. We pan down from the highest
reaches, where thousands of bats nest. We track down past high-tech cables
and wires, to a platform suspended in the middle of the deep chamber. We
pass by the BATMOBILE, the BATCOPTER, rows of armoured BAT-COSTUMESÖ
finally we settle on the BATMAN himself, seated before the giant
BATCOMPUTER. He cocks his head towards a mournful whining.
Please let me out.
Not until you say sorry.
We cut to ROBIN. His
costume is tattered and filthy, and heís trapped inside a small cage,
with straw and muck on the floor.
What am I supposed to be saying sorry for?
You know what.
I was trying to play Quake. I didnít even think about looking in
your private files.
Donít lie to me. Look Ė the icons are all messed about on the
desktop. Youíve been trying to look at myÖ
Evidence my backside. I know what those files are.
How do you know? You donít know anything.
Well Iíve seen the file names in the recycle bin. ďCum2.jpegĒ
and ďBigdave11.gifĒ were two which particularly
jumped out at me.
TheyíreÖ itísÖ theyíre codenames. For evidence.
Youíre supposed to empty the recycle bin if you donít want me to
know what youíre downloading off the Internet, you know.
What are you accusing me of?
You spend too much time down here. Surfing the
Internet on that thing until all hours.
So? Iíve told you, Iíve got a friend in Mexico that I
sometimes talk to. Itís cheaper than phoning, Robin!
Yeah right. What friend in Mexico?
His name is, er, Mister Lopez. He says that he might come and stay
with us for a while this summer.
Mister Lopez? What sort of a name is that?
Well itís a better name than ďRobinĒ. Hah Ė think of
all the other birds we could have called you afterÖTit, cock, bustard,
Thereís no such thing as a ball-bag-bird.
And how would you know? You live in a cage.
I donít live in a cage. You put me in a cage yesterday
because you think I may have been looking at your computer
Shut-up about it. I know martial arts, you know. I could
kick you in the mouth from here.
How? Unless you can extend your leg fifteen feet.
God, youíre so annoying. You know thatís not what I
mean. I mean Iíll come over there and kick you in the mouth.
Yes, but you said you could kick me in the mouth from over there.
Yes, well, if you were over here I could kick you in the
mouth, couldnít I?
I dunno. But thatís not what you said.
Does it matter, Robin? Is it really important?
Well you seem to be getting very bothered by it.
Thatís only because youíre deliberately annoying me.
I was just pointing out your errors. You canít stand it
that you get it wrong sometimes, can you?
Right. Thatís it.
What are you doing?
gets to his feet. He pulls a big axe from within his cape.
Iím going to get you. Iím going to really get you, Robin.
starts to advance on the cage. Robin panics.
Wait, Batman! Bruce! Brucie-baby! Iíll do anything Ė anything you
want. Just donít chop me up.
You know what Batman likes, RobinÖ
I do. But didnít we break the glass coffee table
the last time we attempted it?