CASTAWAY
2000 – SPECIAL PREVIEW
BBC1’s
Castaway 2000 has been the TV highlight of the year. A
lurid docu-soap tarted-up as a serious sociological
experiment, the show has seen a bunch of supposedly
normal, everyday people dumped together on a remote
Scottish island to “build a society for the new
Millennium”. Of course, it hasn’t worked that way,
and cameras have been capturing every salacious detail
as tempers flare, and the “society” teeters
continuously upon the brink of collapse. Here are ten
things we can expect from the next batch of episodes…
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A
bout of extreme weather prevents the delivery of
Taransay doctor Roger Stephenson’s favourite
biscuits. During a tense public meeting, Roger
explains: “When I came into this project, I simply
wasn’t made aware that, at some point, events
might transpire in such a way as to prevent me
getting my biscuits during the allocated window of
timescale”. International clothing sales manager
Dez Monks tells him to “stop being so fucking
selfish”, but Roger pounces on him and, before
being restrained by the other castaways, almost
succeeds in gouging out Dez’s eyes with his
thumbs.
-
The
spoons in the kitchen start to disappear in
suspicious circumstances. The castaways suspect
Scouse driving instructor Trevor Kearan and, in
retaliation, trainee psychotherapist Ron Copsey
sneaks into Trevor’s pod and does a spunk in his
yoghurt.
-
The
castaways get a surprise phone call from executive
producer Colin Cameron in which Colin explains that
it was all a joke and that he is in fact an evil
media overlord with good BBC contacts and that the
castaways are now actually his own private sex
slaves and that his first concubine will be primary
school teacher Julie Lowe who he will visit the
following day and who will honour his presence by
cooking her dog Inca into a special sacrificial
casserole.
-
A
neighbouring island declares war on Taransay and the
castaways are forced to mobilise themselves into a
counter-invasionary guerilla force, led by pensions
analyst Toby Waterman.
-
A
race of feral tramps living on the far North of
Taransay are discovered by Posh Ben while walking
his dog. After a bizarre 48-hour initiation ceremony
of drinking, dancing and ostentatious masturbation,
Ben is taken in and worshipped as a God.
-
Lab
technician Sandy Colbeck discovers a strange herb on
the beach and uses it to distill a powerful potion
which she slips into the punch at secretary Tammy
Huff’s 28th birthday party. Guided by
hallucinogenic apparitions and chattering,
disembodied voices, the castaways snigger and
stumble their way to a concealed cave which turns
out to be a trans-dimensional portal originally
invoked by a pagan race for the purpose of
travelling to a parallel astral plane where the
unique chemical make-up of the atmosphere enhanced
their evolutionary process by a million years in ten
minutes. After a lengthy group meeting, the
castaways decide against going in.
-
Ex-castaway
Ray Bowyer returns with survival trainer Lofty
Wiseman, and the two begin picking off the
castaways, one by one, by garrotting them in their
sleep. Camera operator Tanya Cheedle sets an
ingenious trap by concealing a camera in the bedroom
of insurance analyst Michael Laird. There’s a
happy ending to the saga when Lofty and Ray are
unwittingly filmed murdering Michael and are
eventually caught and arrested.
-
In
a blatant breach of his contract, software salesman
Padraig Nallen uses the island’s emergency
satellite phone to contact a service called
‘Phillipine Companions’. He apologises, and
offers to clean the female castaways’ toilets for
a week.
-
University
lecturer Peter Jowers is discovered one evening by
wife Sheila, working on a bizarre organic structure
comprising of secretly stored chicken segments and
clumps of his own hair. “I’m making a man,
Shelia!” he says. “Only it is to be a man with
the added abilities of a bird. Soon he will be able
to fly away from this island, carrying me along in
his talons!” Peter is soon transferred to an
institution for the Emotionally Susceptible on the
mainland.
-
The
castaways persist in enjoying each other’s company
and prove increasingly effective at working together
as a team, with nothing at all controversial,
confrontational or unexpected happening. In the name
of good television, programme-makers Lion TV are
forced to airlift a group of five hungry, immensely
aggressive brown Kodiak bears onto
the island.
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