UPDATED: 16/10/01  


SIT-COMS BASED UPON THE LIFE OF FRED WEST
10. The Madman's Family
9. Are You Being Harmed?
8. Gouge And Mildred
7. Man Behaving Madly
6. Dad's Barmy
5. Absolutely Stab-u-lous
4. Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em
3. It Don't 'Alf Hurt Mum
2. Drop The Dead Daughter (In The Hole)
1. Only Fred And Corpses


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Previous Result
GUYS ONLY POLL
Which of these characteristics are most important in a partner?

Good sense of humour 20%
Non-smoker 8%
Blonde hair 7%
Pierced nipples 13%
Must be able to make a noise like a dolphin 50%

total votes

812

Previous Result
GIRLS ONLY POLL
Which of these characteristics are most important in a partner?

Owns his own house

4%

High income 13%
Prehensile tail 20%
Convicted murder 15%
Lives in a piano 45%

total votes

344

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KNIFE & WIFE
by Paul Rose

EXT. SCHOOL. DAY

An ordinary school

MR CAKEBREAD
(v/o)
Now if you would all please study the stuffed buzzard
very closely…

INT. CLASSROOM. DAY

MR CAKEBREAD
(continued)
…As I will shortly be asking questions about it.

Mr Cakebread is one of those horrible teachers who think they’re hip. The confused class look on at the unseen buzzard. Jeffrey is seated near the front.

Are we ready? Good. First question. Is this really a stuffed buzzard?

Though unsure, Jeffrey nevertheless raises his hand.

Yes, Jeffrey?

JEFFREY
No it isn’t?

MR CAKEBREAD
Correct.

Pull back to reveal the “buzzard”: it’s a mature lady, sitting on a stool.

It is in fact my mother.

MR CAKEBREAD’S MOTHER
Hello, children.

MR CAKEBREAD
Say hello to my mother, class.

The kids half say “Hello, Mr Cakebread’s mother”, but it sort of trails off into intelligible mumbles.

Now what does all this tell us about the buzzard’s hunting instinct?

Jeffrey raises his hand again. Mr Cakebread motions for him to speak.

JEFFREY
Um… nothing?

MR CAKEBREAD
That’s right, Jeffrey. Absolutely nothing.

Mr Cakebread’s mother starts eating a sandwich.

MR CAKEBREAD
However, I had promised to show you a stuffed buzzard today, and as Jeffrey pointed out, this isn’t a buzzard, it’s my mother.
Therefore, can anyone tell me where the real buzzard is?

Jeffrey raises his hand.

JEFFREY
Is that it on your head, sir?

MR CAKEBREAD
Well done, Jeffrey.

Pull back. The stuffed buzzard is on Mr Cakebread’s head.

I am indeed balancing the buzzard on my head.

Jeffrey’s Friend whispers to him.

JEFFREY’S FRIEND
Isn’t this supposed to be double maths?

With a grunt, Mr Cakebread hurls the stuffed buzzard at Jeffrey’s Friend with incredible force. He cries out in pain when it hits him in the face.

MR CAKEBREAD
No talking!


 

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