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The long-awaited, heavily-delayed Mission Impossible 2 was release in the UK last week. Though cresting a wave of hype, critical reaction has been mixed, with journalists and movie-goers alike agreeing that it’s something of a wank-fest for young Master Cruise, while the middle act is as dull as ditchwater. Nevertheless, the film has done well in the US, and looks likely to repeat the feat over here. Naturally, we can all expect a Mission Impossible 3 sometime within the next five years. But what, daddy, should the plot be? Bubblegun suggests three possible storylines that truly live up to the “Mission: Impossible” designation…


Tom Cruise, the secret agent, chooses to accept a mission which requires him to infiltrate an enemy installation that has been built at the very top of Mount Everest, and then take photographs of a special gun, that is kept in a locked room protected with laser beams, invisible razor wire, and a sixty feet tall mutant bipedal crocodile called “Frazier McDeath”. After he’s taken photographs of the special gun, he has to destroy the gun, even though the gun is a) Made out of an indestructible resin, and b) Kept in temporal displacement, so that it continually exists a millisecond into the future. After that, he has to get back down the mountain naked, fighting spike-fisted samurai all the way, while gargling with broken glass. Once he reaches the bottom, he has to put on a pair of underpants made out of sandpaper, and drag himself on his stomach to New York, when he must defuse a nuclear bomb that has been stitched to the stomach of a pregnant woman, who won’t let him defuse the bomb, and keeps hitting him over the head with a frying pan. Finally, when he’s successfully defused the bomb, he’s required to catch a plane to India, where he has to drink a bath-full of untreated water, siphoned directly from a river in which local villagers do their poo and wee. The End.


Tom Cruise, the secret agent, has to break into a maximum high security prison, populated entirely by sex-starved homosexual mass murderers, and retrieve a special document from the pouting anus of the prison’s toughest inmate, Davey Knuckles. Then, dressed as a female elephant, he has to escape from the prison through a secret tunnel infested with randy bull elephants, who have had their sexual organs replaced with flamethrowers. Once out into the open, he must cross a minefield wearing a big pair of clown shoes, while riding a space-hopper. The next part of his mission finds Cruise trying to remain upright for as long as possible in a windtunnel, while strapped to a hang-glider, and at the rear of the tunnel a load of razor blades have been glued to the wall. If he survives that, he has to appear on television, and offer a $50 million reward to anyone who can kill him, and an extra $75 million if they kill him in a funny way. The End.


Tom Cruise, the secret agent, finds himself accepting a mission to travel to the moon, via the heart of the sun, in a spaceship constructed from a couple of vacuum cleaners strapped to cardboard box. If he successfully survives his journey, he must search the moon for the tiniest diamond in the galaxy, which he needs to power the engine of his craft, to get him back home. Once he returns home, he finds his apartment overrun with a billion robot ninjas, whom he has to defeat one after another in unarmed combat. Then, when’s he’s mopped the floor with the cybo-ninjas, his legs blow up, and – crippled and bleeding – he has to make his way to Paris, and climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower to raise a flag bearing a slogan that offends French people. Then, he has to make his way through the Parisian streets, screaming racial abuse, before taking up residence on the banks of the Seine, challenging random passers-by to kick him in the head. Then he gets fired out of a cannon into a wall, and gets sat on by a really big walrus.


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