SEQUEL HELL

Hollywood executives are ruled by one thing and one thing alone: the almighty dollar. If someone, somewhere, hits upon a good idea that manages to make a profit, you can be sure as crikey that idea will be milked so hard that its teats will wither and blacken. Right now the Hollywood hills are alive with the sound of the milking. It’s a sort of hollow, squelching sound, punctuated by a bleak, nervous laugh. It’s the sound of sequels being made. Sequels, that is, to movies that have proven themselves profitable. Movies that audiences want to see more of. And Hollywood is only happy to oblige. Here’s Bubblegun’s rundown of the blooming fruits currently on the sequel production line.

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SHAFT RETURNS
Status: In the can.

Slightly unnecessary follow-up to the classic 1971 Blaxploitation flick, starring Samuel L. Jackson as the nephew of the original Shaft. Black leather jacket, bald head, sunglasses, guns… Jackson is, if nothing else, Daddy Cool, and probably the only logical choice to reprise the character. But then, the appeal of a Shaft sequel must surely be limited, and this film will have to stand on its own. Unfortunately, early word from test screenings isn’t terribly positive. Guess you can’t manufacture an era. 

EXCITEMENT-O-FACTOR: 5/10

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JURASSIC PARK 3
Status: Pre-production

Surely we’ve been there and done that with the dinosaurs? The most thrilling part of The Lost World was that bit where Julianne Moore was spread-eagled on the windshield of the RV, and it had nothing to do with dinosaurs. Apparently, the sequel – directed by Joe Johnston, and not Steven Spielberg – will feature a bunch of folk shipwrecked on that same dinosaur-infested island. Apologies, Johnston, but, y’know… we want to see dinosaurs running around an office block, or something. The dramatic possibilities of dinosaurs on an island have kind of been exhausted. Besides, the biggest selling point of Jurassic Park was the special effects. With Disney’s Dinosaur stuffed with computer-generated dinos, and George Lucas populating his Star Wars universe with realistic computer-generated creatures simply as background effects, they’ll have to really push the boat out to interest anyone a third time around.

EXCITEMENT-O-FACTOR: 3/10

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STAR WARS EPISODE 2 & 3
Status: Pre-production.

Well, you know… he’s got to make the next two to finish the story. This is a license to print money, because we all want to see how Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader. Even so, Lucas’s promises of a “darker tone” than The Phantom Menace are all well and good, but we’d rather he was promising “more natural performances from the human actors”, and “more likeable characters”. But heck – of course you’re going to see it. 

EXCITEMENT-O-FACTOR: 7/10

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MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2
Status: In the can.

Mission Impossible had its moments, but it somehow fell short of being either an all-out actioner, or a twisty-turny thriller thing. With John Woo as director, and as showcased by THAT trailer, MI:2 could well fulfil the stylish promise of the original. They needn’t have made it, but there’s a buzz surrounding this long overdue summer blockbuster that can’t be denied. And it’s not just the buzz of wasps drunk on their own excrement. 

EXCITEMENT-O-FACTOR: 7/10

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HANNIBAL
Status: In production.

With the book released, there was no way fans of Silence Of The Lambs were going to let a follow-up go unfilmed. Though the lack of Jodie Foster is troubling, the main man, Anthony Hopkins, is back sucking on livers, and the freshly-hot Ridley Scott should handle the whole thing with aplomb. Whatever one of those is. You just know it’s gonna be good.

EXCITEMENT-O-FACTOR: 8/10

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STAR TREK 10
Status: In development.

The producers and stars have all admitted that Insurrection was, at best, a big screen blow-up of a very average Next Generation episode. To this end, any tenth Star Trek movie should see a return to the all-out, epic action of the highly watchable First Contact. Nevertheless, the Star Trek audience is diminishing, and there can be few people outside the sphere of die-hards geeks who give a hoot anymore.

EXCITEMENT-O-FACTOR: 2/10

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DIRTY DANCING 2
Status: Early development.

Ricky Martin IS Patrick Swayze? We don’t think so. Take it away. Right away. 

EXCITEMENT-O-FACTOR: 0/10

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THE FLINTSTONES 2: VIVA ROCK VEGAS
Status: In the can.

The original Flintstones movie was borderline alright, but hardly got our love glands sweating. The sequel, which it must be said has been made against all odds, is reportedly really great, and goes a lot further than the first film in making a live-action cartoon a reality. Plus, Betty Rubble is a babe this time around, as opposed to some fat old housewife.

EXCITEMENT-O-FACTOR: 6/10

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THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT 2
Status: In production.

We don’t know how they’re going to do this. The success of the original Blair Witch Project hinged on the whole “Is it real or isn’t it?” hype campaign. Now that we all know it wasn’t real, a sequel is kind of redundant. Apparently, this time around another group of teenagers wander around in the woods looking for the last group of teenagers. Like anyone cares.

EXCITEMENT-O-FACTOR: 5/10

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BLADE 2
Status: In development.

As movies based upon Marvel Comics go, Blade wasn’t bad. As most other movies go, it was real straight-to-video fare, which somehow managed to find its way onto the big screen. We really don’t need to see Wesley Snipes’ vampire hunting “daywalker” a second time. 

EXCITEMENT-O-FACTOR: 2/10

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JASON X
Status: Pre-production.

Like the Star Trek films, the Friday The 13^th movies really are being peddled to a select audience of die-hards. In this case, die-hard, unshaven fatties, with red eyes, and filthy t-shirts. This tenth movie starring the titular slasher raises an eyebrow only in the fact that it’s set in space, in the far future. Somehow. 

EXCITEMENT-O-FACTOR: 2/10

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THE MATRIX 2
Status: In development.

This has to be made, if only so we can see more of that freeze-frame, spinny camera thing, that was easily the best part of the original Matrix. No one cares about the plot. We just want to see blokes flying around, and punching holes in walls, and guns, and guys in shades, and those squiddy submarine things. That does it for us, man. That really lubes our socket.

EXCITEMENT-O-FACTOR: 8/10

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MEN IN BLACK 2
Status: In development.

Hmm. Mmm… Men In Black was fair enough to a point, if a trifle brief. Do we want to see a sequel? There’s certainly scope, but no – we can live without a follow-up. But then, that’s never stopped those Ghostbusters 3 rumours.

EXCITEMENT-O-FACTOR: 4/10

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THE MUMMY RETURNS
Status: In production.

We don’t care what anyone says; The Mummy was appalling shite. Utterly, utterly reprehensible garbage. Sure, there were some great special effects moments, but the whole thing was an attempt to do an “Indiana Jones For The 90s” without really understanding what it was that made Indiana Jones so great. The plot lurched back and forth, and the constant witty banter between the characters, and excessive gurning from the usually reliable Brendan Frasier, sapped any tension from the film. Did Harrison Ford pull a funny face when that big German guy got chopped up by the propellers of that plane? No? He winced big time. THAT’s what we’re talking about. They can shove their sequel up their mummified asses. We’ve never needed an Indiana Jones 4 more. 

EXCITEMENT-O-FACTOR: 1/10

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