Geeks the world over are salivating at the prospect of an all-new Star Trek series, to fill the gap left by the soon-to-be-concluding, Star Trek: Voyager. Producer Rick Berman promises a real return to basics for a franchise that many suspect has lost its way in recent years. Now, for the first time anywhere, Bubblegun can reveal the title of the new show, as well as the central cast of characters, and even present here a WORLD EXCLUSIVE extract from the script for the first episode of the new show. But first, boys and girl, meet the crew of… Star Trek: Extreme!

CAPTAIN FRANCIS J. LULLO

The captain of the USS Extreme, Captain Lullo is a chiselled space battle veteran, and the first Hispanic, closet homosexual captain in the history of Starfleet. He's also completely blind as a result of his battle injuries, but refuses to wear optic implants, for fear that they may make him appear a "sissy" - something he adamantly insists he isn't.

COMMANDER T'R'K'RKKK'RRRR TH'RRRR'P'SSSS

The ship's second in command, and security officer. Half-Klingon, half-genetically-engineered sausage dog, T'R'K'Rkkk'Rrrr - or "Trkk" for short - has the mysterious ability to see into his own past, using his innate "psychic memory".

DOCTOR PADDY O'REILLY

The ship's curmudgeonly old doctor and engineer - all the way from County Shamrock, in Ireland!

LIETENANT SAUCY McBAPS

The ship's communications officer. An oversized pair of prosthetic breasts, Sellotaped to a broom.

HUMOUR UNIT #3764b

Ship's comedian, and a high-tech laptop computer striving to achieve true humanity via crap jokes. On a motorised trolley.

STAR TREK: EXTREME
EXCLUSIVE SCRIPT EXTRACT

EXT. SPACEBASE 47

The 80% complete hull of the USS EXTREME sits amid a mass of gantries and rigging. Worker drones busy themselves around it, attempting to complete the ship before their deadline.

INT. BRIDGE OF THE USS EXTREME

A high-tech hive of activity. CAPTAIN LULLO sits amid scenes of chaos as technicians fine-tune computer screens and workstations. 

LULLO
(into comlink)
How much longer until we're space-worthy, Paddy?

Doctor PADDY O'REILLY is sitting on the arm of Lullo's chair.

O'REILLY
Top of the mornin' to ye, begorrah. There's no need to
shout captain, to be sure. Oi'm roight here. 

LULLO
This ship was supposed to be ready this morning. And
it's now half-past star-time four point niner-oh-seven.

O'REILLY
Don't be havin' a go at me, to be sure. Oi've got me hands full running engineering and de infirmary. 
Besoides, me head's killin' me. Oi was on de 
Space Guiness all night, to be sure.

LULLO
(warningly…)
O'Reilly…

O'REILLY
Yes. Really.

COMMANDER T'R'K'RKKK'RRRR TH'RRRR'P'SSSS growls over from his weapons station.

TRRK
Bah! Humans! All you ever think about is enjoying
yourselves. Never do you consider the honour of
battle, or as my people call it, Ch'Ka'T'Nah.

LULLO
Who said that?

HUMOUR UNIT #3764b
Hey - did somebody call for a comedian?

TRRK
Grrr. Get off the bridge, you R'Krrr'T'uuul. I'm head of security here, and I say there's no place on the bridge of a warship for a laptop on a trolley.

LULLO
What's going on now?

O'REILLY
Just old Trrk there, up to his old tricks again, to be sure.  He's just shouting at Humour Unit #3764b.

LULLO
I'm blind not deaf, O'Reilly. I was talking in metaphysical terms. Trrk - what does your mysterious psychic memory tell you about our upcoming mission?

TRRK
Nothing about our upcoming mission, Captain, but I can
tell you about the things that happened on my last 
mission under Captain Umberson.

LULLO
That would be most useful. 

The ship suddenly plunges into red alert.

HUMOUR UNIT #3764b
I knew this show was low budget, but I can't believe 
we've gone into the red on the first show already!

Trrk destroys Humour Unit #3764b with a big hammer. O'Reilly pulls his space pants down, and defecates over the remains, before flushing them out of the airlock.

LULLO
Trrk - status report.

TRRK
Red Alert, Captain. An unknown vessel just decloaked
off our starboard bow. 

LULLO
What does it look like?

O'REILLY
Y'know, captain, it'd be a whole lot easier if you let me
fit those optic implants…

LULLO
Who said that?

O'Reilly starts making "limp wrist" gestures in front of the Captain. O'Reilly sniggers.

Who's sniggering there? O'Reilly? 

TRRK
Stop it, O'Reilly.

LULLO
What's he doing?

TRRK
Nothing, Captain. He's just being stupid.

LULLO
Is he doing the gay thing again?

O'REILLY
(continuing to do it)
Now would I do that, begorrah?

LULLO
I've told you already - I'm not gay. 

O'REILLY
Oh? Like you told everyone you weren't blind or
Hispanic when you first came aboard?

LULLO
That was a misunderstanding.

O'REILLY
Oh, to be sure. It was a misunderstanding that you were wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the words: "I am neither blind nor Hispanic".

LULLO
I'm blind. How was I to know what was on the t-shirt?

TRRK
Captain, the enemy vessel has locked its phasers onto
our dilithium storage tanks.

LULLO
And? So? Just shoot them.

TRRK
(frowning)
Wait, captain… my psychic memory… I'm receiving a 
mental picture of… my fifth… birthday party. Jimmy 
Swanson… tried to steal… my ice… cream. 

EXT. SPACE

A ROMULAN WARBIRD opens fire on the USS Extreme, destroying it in an instant. 

FADE TO BLACK