EXCLUSIVE SCRIPT EXTRACT: STAR WARS EPISODE II

Since we published our previous extract from George Lucas’s first draft screenplay for Star Wars Episode II, LucasFilm has been in turmoil. Baffled as to how the script was leaked, Lucas has been forced to hire screenwriter Jonathan Hale to assist him in rewriting his script. Undaunted by the repeated threats from the LucasFilm legal department, Bubblegun is once again presenting an exclusive extract from that leaked first draft…



INT. ANAKIN’S QUARTERS. CORUSCANT. NIGHT 
ANAKIN is sitting on his bed, sadly gazing at a hologram of his MOTHER. The door opens and OBI-WAN enters. 

OBI-WAN
What’s wrong, Anakin? 

ANAKIN 
I don’t want to go. 

OBI-WAN
But this is your Jedi graduation. You can’t be late. 

ANAKIN
You go on without me. 

OBI-WAN
I can’t do that. We… we have a surprise for you. Heh. 

ANAKIN
I know what it is. I can see the future, remember. You’ve hired a stripper, and you were going to get her to make me strip down to my underpants. 

OBI-WAN
Er… no we weren’t. It was a, er, uh… different surprise. 

ANAKIN
And then you were going to spike my drink, and get me really drunk and then coat me with glue, and feathers, and handcuff me to the railings outside the Wookiee embassy with a note round my neck saying: “Please give me a bum-up”. 

OBI-WAN
Yeah, but… it would’ve been really funny. 

ANAKIN
No it wouldn’t. It would’ve been like that time you put cling-film over my toilet seat. 

OBI-WAN
Oh yeah… ha ha ha! 

ANAKIN
Just go away and leave me alone. 

OBI-WAN
I can’t do that. I’ve someone here who wants to see you. 

ANAKIN
You do? Who is it? 

OBI-WAN
It’s your mother, Anakin. 

ANAKIN
Here? She’s really here?!? 

OBI-WAN
Yes. Come in, Mrs Skywalker. 

The door opens. An E.T. enters in a dress, long wig, and lipstick. 

E.T.
Be gooood. 

ANAKIN
You wanker. You utter WANKER. 

OBI-WAN
Ha ha ha! Give your mother a kiss, Anakin. 

E.T.
E.T. kiss Annie. 

ANAKIN
Get off me, you shrivelled freak! Get your tongue out of my mouth! 


INT. DARK CHAMBER. 
Strange pipes and shapes hang from the ceiling. A dark robed figure sits in a throne at the far end of this long, dimly-lit room. It is DARTH SIDIOUS. He is approached by the fearsome DARTH AWFUL. 

DARTH AWFUL
My Lord. I come before you to apply for the job of Dark Lord Of The Sith. 

DARTH SIDIOUS
You’re late. 

DARTH AWFUL
I know. I got held up in traf… er, I was, um delayed while I murdered some Jedi. 

DARTH SIDIOUS
Excellent. You will make a perfect apprentice. What special powers do you have? 

DARTH AWFUL
I can moonwalk. 

DARTH SIDIOUS
What’s that? 

DARTH AWFUL
I can walk forwards while making it look as though I’m walking backwards. Or is it the other way around? Well, I can do that, anyway.


DARTH SIDIOUS
Anything else? 

DARTH AWFUL
I can fit my entire fist in my mouth. Look. 

DARTH SIDIOUS
Impressive. You’ve got the job. 

DARTH AWFUL
Great! 

DARTH SIDIOUS
Any questions? 

DARTH AWFUL
Yeah, do you offer any sort of health insurance, or company pension plan? Also, would I be able to carry my pension over from my previous job to this one, because I’ve been putting money into it for something like five years, and I don’t want to lose that really. 

DARTH SIDIOUS
I… just go and make me a coffee. 


INT. JEDI PARTY. CORSCANT. NIGHT 
Anakin’s Graduation Party is in full swing. Jedi dance along to the music of an alien skiffle group. Anakin sheepishly enters the room. He has lipstick all around his mouth. 
 
MACE WINDU
Anakin! Yoush… I… isch… I rilly lurrrve you, maaan. 

ANAKIN
God, you stink of booze. 

MACE WINDU
Ah’m notsch drunk… Honustleee, offfysir, ah hevvent tousched a drop. 

Suddenly, a window explodes inwards, and Darth Awful steps into the room. The Jedi part around him. 

DARTH AWFUL
I’ve come to get Anakin Skywalker. 

ANAKIN
No! 

DARTH AWFUL
Yes. I’ve come to show him my lightsabre. 

ANAKIN
What? 

DARTH AWFUL
It’s long and pink and has a purple end. 

ANAKIN
Eh? 

Darth Awful drops his cloak. Beneath it he’s wearing nothing but a leather harness, a cod-piece and nipple tassles. He begins to rub himself up against Anakin.
 
DARTH AWFUL
Welcome, Annie, to your party, I’m here to wish you a welcome hearty, I’m going to remove my codpiece now, And sex you up, you saucy cow. 
The Jedi applaud and whoop. 

ANAKIN
Go away. 

OBI-WAN
Get stuck in, Anakin! Fill your boots, son! 

ANAKIN
Piss off! 

MACE WINDU
I wisch I wurrz Anakin.

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