If you, like us, are unashamed Star Wars geeks, you may have read one of many statements in recent months issued by LucasFilm to the effect that Grubenfuhrer Lucas has yet to complete the Episode II screenplay. So frequent are denials that there is a finished script circulating the halls of Skywalker Ranch or the 20^th Century Fox studios in Australia, that you can’t help but feel that they doth protest too much. Bubblegun knows for a fact that Lucas completed a first draft of Episode II – subtitled “The Clone Gambit (working title only)” – back in December. Bubblegun knows this because Bubblegun has a copy of the script.

Printed on red paper, and marked “#G6 – Art Department Eyes Only”, it’s clear from reading the screenplay that Lucas has taken criticisms of Episode I on board, and that this time around the movie will prove even more of a wet dream for die-hard fans. Risking the wrath of a lawsuit, Bubblegun nevertheless cannot resist printing a brief extract from an early section of the script. Read on, children…

 

EXT. JEDI TEMPLE. DUSK

Corscant’s busy sky traffic cuts dark lines in the rapidly darkening orange, purple, pink sky. We close in slowly on the majestic spires of the JEDI TEMPLE.

INT. JEDI TEMPLE. TRAINING ROOM. DUSK

In a blur of light, ANAKIN SKYWALKER deflects a number of rapid projectiles using his laser sword. The assault over, Anakin cuts the power to the sword, and relaxes. The projectiles – a number of delicious-looking cream cakes – lay smouldering and cut into pieces at his feet.

ANAKIN
What’s going on? Why are you throwing cakes at me?

Obi-Wan Kenobi, grossly overweight and shoving a big birthday cake – candles and all – into his newly-bearded gob, sits back on a crate and laughs.

OBI-WAN
What?

ANAKIN
I come in here, and the first thing you do is start lobbing bloody cakes at me.

OBI-WAN
Yeah, well, it’s part of your training.

ANAKIN
No it isn’t. You’re a liar. You just think it’s funny. You’re  such a twat.

OBI-WAN
Shut-up, “Annie”. Shut-up and get on with your training.

Obi-Wan idly throws the remains of his cake at Anakin.

ANAKIN
Now look – you’ve got icing all over my robes. I’m meant to be meeting Amidala, or Padme, or whatever her name is  in twenty minutes.

OBI-WAN
Oh really? A girl? Makes a change from the boys you normally go out with.

ANAKIN
I don’t go out with boys!

OBI-WAN
Oh? But I heard you were gay.

ANAKIN
What? But… I… I’m not gay. I’ve never been gay.

OBI-WAN
I heard that Master Yoda caught you trying to give a bum-up to a shaved male wookiee. In a cupboard.

ANAKIN
Just get lost! You’re always winding me up!

OBI-WAN
It’s not a wind-up if it’s true.

ANAKIN
It isn’t true, though! I’ve never bummed anything!

 A beat.

OBI-WAN

(quietly)

Annie bummed a woo-kiee. Annie bummed a woo-kiee.

ANAKIN
Wanker! You’re a such a wanker! I remember when you used to be such a cool guy with your split kicks and stuff, but now you’re just fat and bitter and irritating.

OBI-WAN
Yeah, but at least I don’t bum wookiees.

ANAKIN
Right, that’s it. I’m going. I quit.

OBI-WAN
 Yeah, you just try and leave, mate. I’ve locked the doors!  Ha ha!

ANAKIN

(opening a door)

No you haven’t.

OBI-WAN
Well, it was worth a try.

INT. DARK CHAMBER.

Strange pipes and shapes hang from the ceiling. A dark robed figure sits in a throne at the far end of this long, dimly-lit room. It is DARTH SIDIOUS. He is approached by the fearsome DARTH ORANGE, a freakish alien with a big funnel for a nose.

DARTH ORANGE
I’ve come about the job.

DARTH SIDIOUS
Ah yes… and you are?

DARTH ORANGE
Darth Orange. We spoke on the, er, space phone.

DARTH SIDIOUS
Ah yes. That’s right. So do you have much experience of being cruel and evil?

DARTH ORANGE
What do you mean?

DARTH SIDIOUS
Well, what are your qualifications to be a Sith? Have you ever killed anyone, for instance?

DARTH ORANGE
 I dunno… how’d you mean?

DARTH SIDIOUS
Well, have you ever killed anyone? You know: stopped them from living?

DARTH ORANGE
 You mean like tying them up?

DARTH SIDIOUS
Well, tying them up and then, maybe, hitting them over the head with a hammer until their eyes burst, or tying them up and forcing a cavity wall insulator down their throat.

DARTH ORANGE
No.

DARTH SIDIOUS
 I see. Well, can I ask why you applied for this job?

DARTH ORANGE
 I like… jobs.

DARTH SIDIOUS
Please close the door on your way out.

Darth Orange leaves the room. The brash DARTH WHIPPING-BOY – a terrifying alien with big hooks for hands – enters and strides towards the throne.

DARTH SIDIOUS
Who are you?

DARTH WHIPPING-BOY
I am Darth Whipping-Boy, scourge of the Jedi! I kill and maim!

DARTH SIDIOUS
Ah, this is more like it.

DARTH WHIPPING-BOY
 Yes, I kill and maim and run around naked in fields of daisies while rubbing hot oil into my hairy....

DARTH SIDIOUS
Next!