It's been widely reported that David Duchovny will return for less than half of the episodes in the eighth season of The X-Files. Chris Carter, creator and producer of the long-running alien conspiracy show, has revealed that Duchovny's co-star Gillian Anderson will be partnered by a new character. However, how the show will function without the presence of the all-important Fox Mulder has been impossible to judge - until now. Bubblegun has managed to get its hands on the shooting script for the first episode of The X-Files Season Eight. As you'll see, long-time fans can expect a few changes…
INT. MULDER'S OFFICE
It's dark in here, the only light coming from the open doorway, in which a figure stands in silhouette. The figure steps forward, and switches on a light. It is AGENT DANA SCULLY. She looks weary.
SCULLY
Oh, Mulder. Why did you have to get abducted by aliens?
How will I be able to solve mysteries without you?
A noise from the corner of the office causes Scully to frown.
Who's there? Mulder? Is that you, Mulder?
A bizarre figure rises up from within a mound of paperwork. He's six and a half feet tall, all skin and bone. He wears a bright red, flock cotton jumpsuit, with fluorescent green trim. Four green bobbles approximate buttons on the front of the suit. He wears a purple balaclava, and has a small black moustache, which tapers into curls.
Who the hell are you?
WHICKER
I am Special Agent Corky Whicker, of the FBI.
SCULLY
What are you doing in Mulder's old office?
WHICKER
This isn't Mulder's office. It's my office. The office of me, Corky Whicker.
SCULLY
What?
WHICKER
See how I have replaced Mulder's insanely paranoid UFO posters with posters of my own, depicting my own lifestyle choices. This shows it is my office now.
SCULLY
But… these are mostly posters advertising circuses, and one poster advertising bread and honey.
WHICKER
Yes. You see, although I like bread and honey, I prefer circuses, which is why the circus posters outnumber the posters for bread and honey by a factor of four.
SCULLY
But I thought I was getting Mulder's office.
WHICKER
You are. You're sharing with me, Scully. I'm your new partner!
SCULLY
(smiling)
Here we go again!
INT. CREEPY WAREHOUSE
The warehouse door opens a crack, and CORKY WHICKER and SCULLY enter, cutting through the darkness with their torches.
SCULLY
One thing, Whicker…
WHICKER
Call me Corky. Or Corkus.
SCULLY
One thing, Corkus - if you're going to be my partner you're going to learn that there are certain things I don't want you doing in my car.
WHICKER
Like what?
SCULLY
Like gutting a fish on the dashboard with your bare hands, and then wiping your hands on the seats. It's going to take a week to get that smell out of the upholstery, Corkus…
WHICKER
But I was hungry.
SCULLY
And another thing - I don't want you removing your jumpsuit AND underpants before sitting down in my car ever again.
WHICKER
But I had to. The material bunches up around my parts.
SCULLY
I don't care. What with the fish smell, and your ass, I'm going to need to hire a professional disinfector.
WHICKER
(sobbing)
I don't even know what that is.
SCULLY
Why are you crying, Corkus?
WHICKER
Oh, Scullus…
SCULLY
Scully.
WHICKER
Oh, Shelly, I had such an unhappy childhood. I never learned the meaning of certain words, such as disinfector, or ass. My wicked parents kept me locked in treehouse. I thought I was Tarzan until I was 13, and saw an episode of the Tarzan cartoon through a neighbour's window, and realised I didn't look anything like the real Tarzan.
SCULLY
What did you look like?
WHICKER
Like I do now, but with an erection, and shit all over my naked chest..
INT. SKINNER'S OFFICE. DAY
Whicker and Scully are seated before a furious Assistant Director SKINNER.
SCULLY
Sorry we blew up the warehouse, sir. Corkus thought he saw a ghost, and so we retreated to a safe distance and threw some grenades through the window.
SKINNER
I thought I had trouble when you were partnered with Mulder, Scully, but it looks like you and your new partner - Corky Whicker - is going to be an even bigger handful… Are going to be even bigger handfuls? What is it I'm trying to say?
WHICKER
Are you asking me to marry you?
SKINNER
Yes. No. I don't know. It's these damn truth drugs I accidentally swallowed last night. To counter the effects I took a load of horse laxatives and now my legs have swollen up like sacks of hay, and my brain is malfunctioning like a bust-up weathervane.
SCULLY
Does that mean we can go?
SKINNER
Go where?
SCULLY
Somewhere else. You know - like outside in the corridor.
SKINNER
Yes, of course. Oh, but, Scully…
SCULLY
Yes, sir?
SKINNER
You watch out for that Corky Whicker. If you ask me there's something mighty suspicious about him.
WHICKER
Er… I'm standing right here, sir.
SKINNER
Oh. Um, very good. On your way, then.
INT. THE CORRIDOR. DAY
Scully and Whicker emerge into the corridor.
WHICKER
Why didn't you tell him the truth about the ghost?
SCULLY
Because he wouldn't have believed me.
WHICKER
What - the truth about how the ghost was really a dog that we painted silver, and fed a load of speed to earlier in the day, before releasing it into that warehouse, and then we took a load of acid, and got freaked out because the dog was running about everywhere, and bit that electric cable and caught on fire?
SCULLY
Well, OK. He may have believed it, but at least the grenade story was simpler.
WHICKER
Yes… hey - let's go find another dog, and make it inhale a load of helium!
SCULLY
(laughing)
What am I gonna do with you, Corky Whicker?!
