Learn to talk like a lady

We don’t know why anyone other than masculine-sounding women would want to develop a female voice. But then, we’re not messed-up in the head in that way. This site – effectively a promotional shop-front for a mail-order video – aims to coach your larynx into thinking it belongs to a lady.

“Nothing gets you read faster than a voice that doesn't match your appearance,” we are told, though we’d substitute the word “read” for the words “punched and kicked to the floor by skinheads”.

The transsexual behind the site explains his/her own transition from a bloke who dressed like a woman, but sounded like a bloke, to a bloke who dressed like a woman, AND sounded like a woman: “I was working as Melanie, but still going home to my wife as Dave. I decided it was time to go back to my ‘drab’ voice and do Dave again for the night. But when I tried to revert, I couldn't find my old voice! Somehow my whole voice box had been changed to a female form! My wife told me I had darn well better figure out how to get my old voice back before the kids woke up in the morning!”  We’ve all been there, right?

“Melanie” goes on to explain how she/he learned to switch her voice button to “female”. She describes techniques tackling resonance, pitch, dynamic range, and enunciation. By the end of the page you too will talk like a proper lay-dee!

The section on Pitch made us smile. “What Marlene Detrich, Cher, and Bea Arthur have in common?” asks Melanie, before surprising us by explaining it’s their low voice. She/he also has a handy practice phrase for those attempting to change their speech. She/he recommends you adopt the voice of an old man or woman, and say: “The Alludium Q38 Space Modulator.” No – she/he really, really does recommend that.

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