From cow shit to chemical implants

Rubber johnnies are great. You can fill them with water, and throw them at people. You can blow them up, and let them off in restaurants. Or you can look cool by substituting them as a new, longer-lasting, nonoxynol-9-flavoured bubblegum. Incredibly, rubber johnnies – also known as “condoms” – can also be used as a contraceptive. That is to say, for the benefit of any sexually inexperienced minors reading – the chap slaps one over the end of his old man to stop him having babies. You know what we mean by ‘his old man’? His todger. Winky. Willy. John-thomas. His magic purple-headed mushroom, batter pump, or spitting trouser snake. What we’re trying to say is that you stick a “condom” over the end of your thing, and it stops stuff going up the lady’s whatsit. Gottit, kids?

As the title bluntly suggests, the History Of Contraception site is a retrospective look at the development of the motorbike (contraception). From condoms, to things ladies stuff up their chuffs, to chemical contraceptives, and more esoteric methods long since fallen out of fashion, the History Of Contraception has them all. Some of these, such as dried cow dung and honey placed into the vagina (or “chuff”), dried fish, lemon-soaked cotton rags, or glass diaphragms were as likely to cause infection or injury as they were to prevent a baby from spontaneously occurring.

The history of the condom is as good a place as any to begin your Odyssey Of Spunk-Stop. Early sheaths were made from snake or sheep skin. Surely the unsavoury prospect of sticking you doo-da up the guts of some dead animal is contraceptive enough. Then again, now that we think about it…