INAPPROPRIATE THINGS TO SAY AT YOUR CHILD’S TEACHER ON OPEN EVENING

10. “May the Force be with you.”
9. “Sorry he’s not been at school much this term, but he’s been building a new extension for the house as punishment for forgetting to record EastEnders.”
8. “Can I draw a pair of tits on the blackboard for old time’s sake?”
7. “Do you ever find yourself attracted to the children?”
6. “I mean, it’s not a proper job anyway, with all that holiday you get.”
5. “If you’re going to say he’s been doing badly again I’m going.”
4. “Hello, fatty.”
3. “Fuck me, you’re ugly.”
2. “Do you like skinny dipping?”
1. “Do you mind if I masturbate while you talk?”

REJECTED BRAND NAMES FOR
"I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER"

10. "Yes, It Is Margarine"
9. "Did You Say It’s Butter? Oh You Didn’t..."
8. "Pffffffff!"
7. "Yellow Spread"
6. "Death Block 478"
5. "I Can’t Believe It’s Not The Blood Of Christ"
4. "I Can’t Believe It’s A Lump Of Solidified Oil"
3. "It Smells Like Butter"
2. "I Can Almost Believe It Isn’t Margarine"
1. "At Least It Isn’t Spunk"

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO THE JUDGE AT YOUR MURDER TRIAL

10. "Is that a wig?"
9. "What murder?"
8. "Yeah, and I’ll kill you too."
7. "Wait - did I say guilty?!? Guilty means ‘didn’t do it’, right?"
6. "Hmf. You wouldn’t be giving me such a hard time if I was a burglar."
5. "Where did you buy your hammer, your honour? I find you can do a lot more damage with a claw-head hammer... oops."
4. "And then I ate his liver with fava beans and a nice chianti. Only kidding!"
3. "I just did it for a laugh. Where’s your sense of humour?"
2. "Twanngggg! Bwaaaaaaang! Bwaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaanggggg!"
1. "Let me go free and I’ll tell you about all the other murders I did."

VERY POORLY-TITLED PORNO MOVIES

10. Invaders Of The Lust Ass
9. Breast Encounters Of The Hard Kind
8. The True-Man Show
7. Sliding Whores
6. The Men In Black Panties
5. The Sperminator
4. Ju-ass-ic Pork
3. Whore Weddings And A Venereal
2. Star Whores: The Re-Sperm Of The Preg-Eye
1. Shaving Ryan’s Privates

WAYS TO RUIN A CYBER-SEX SESSION

10. "Before we begin, do you know of any sites where I can download nude images of Meg Ryan?"
9. "BRB - I gotta change the CD. Can’t beat some more Iron Maiden!!!!!!!!"
8. "Sorry. I don’t do oral cyber-sex."
7. "Oops. Sorry. Gotta go."
6. "Oh baby, and then I pull down my pants and I crap all over your floor."
5. ":-P"
4. "Wait, a sec - am I supposed to be wanking off while I type?"
3. "wArEZ rULez!!!!!!!!"
2. "This isn’t costing me anything extra is it?"
1. "Hang on. I just gotta unclog the mouse from last time."

“KISMET, HARDY”? TEN THINGS ADMIRAL NELSON PROBABLY REALLY SAID TO HARDY AS
HE LAY DYING...

10. “Kiss me, Hardy.”
9. “What are you doing for Christmas, Hardy?”
8. “Clean up all this kids’ mess, Hardy.”
7.“Clueless halfwit.”
6. “I think I left the chip pan on at home...”
5. “Bloody hell.”
4. “Boats are excellent.”
3. “Krrrrthssmrrrrhrrrrdddrrrthrrrrss...”
2. “Chrissie Harvey?”
1. “I asked you to erect a column in my honour, idiot - not kiss my hardie!”

HOW TO EXPLAIN THE FACTS OF LIFE TO A CHILD

10. “You remember what Woofy did to the arm of the sofa? Well, that’s what mummy and daddy do to each other to make babies.”
9. “It’s like shaking a bottle of lemonade very hard, and then letting it
gush up it into a rubber glove.”
8. “Observe as I hammer this pound of sausages into the turkey’s neck-hole...”
7. “Try to imagine a big, pink lorry driving into a very narrow tunnel
surrounded by black, wiry grass, and... ohhh... yessssss!”
6. “...And then a billion tiny fishies try to kiss the egg.”
5. “Now, watch very closesly as I take your mother from behind.”
4. “So, basically, I do exactly the same thing as that, except I do it
between your mother’s legs. Get me a tissue, would you, son?”
3. “And after we’ve done all that, your mother removes the diaphragm,
rinses it off, and puts it back in the bedside drawer.”
2. “And then the bee stimulates the bird’s clitoris until its vagina is properly lubricated...”
1. Fetch me the dog.”

THINGS NOT TO SAY IN A LIBRARY

10. “Got any books?”
9. “Cod and chips twice, please.”
8. “So, what’s your name - Conan the Librarian?! Haha! Did you hear what I said, eh? Eh? Conan The Librarian! Hahaha!”
7. “Here’s the book back. I’m afraid pages 67-70 are a bit stuck together...”
6. “I need the toilet. Can I go in the children’s section?”
5. “BIT FUCKING QUIET IN HERE ISN’T IT?!”
4. ”Words... so many... words... in the books... and now... in... MY...
HEAD.”
3. “Do you have any books on necrophilia, specifically countries in which it’s legal?”
2. “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
1. “Here’s the book back. I’m afraid pages 3-247 are a bit stuck together... Still, that’s black and white photography of naked women for you.”

NEW SWEAR WORDS

10. Smutch
9. Vunk
8. Cuffy
7. Yazzling
6. Yit
5. Ummer
4. Rugg
3. Rizzle
2. Preck
1. Glutt

GOOD NAMES FOR PROGRESSIVE ROCK BANDS

10. Perthsefene’s Dawn Rider
9. Emerald Unicorn
8. Dream Wind
7. Dew
6. Prospero’s Soul
5. Chemical Paladin
4. Avatar!
3. Darwin’s Trumpet
2. Breakfast Of The Gods
1. Crimson Jihad