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HOW TO TELL A CHILD
THAT THEIR PET DOG IS DEAD
10. "Woofy has
had to go to Heaven because you didn't love him enough."
9. "DAD'S DEAD!!!! No, wait - it's just the dog that's dead. You see
- it
isn't so bad!"
8. "The dog's dead. Here's five pounds."
7. "Promise me that if you cry at what I tell you next, that I can
hit you in the mouth with a stick."
6. "The dog had to be put down because he was sexually abusing your
mother."
5. "The dog's turned invisible."
4. "You see, Rover was like a sort of chicken kiev, and since daddy
ran over him in the car and he burst. there's now more of him on the
outside..."
3. "He's still the same dog, darling, only now we don't have to walk
or feed him anymore, and he's going to live in the garden. In a hole.
Which I shall fill in."
2. "Big news! I just read that Boyzone say dogs aren't cool, so we
had the dog put down and we've bought you this: a geography text
book!"
1. "The dog unexpectedly pupated and turned into a big moth and flew
away. How cool is that?"
FAMOUS LAST WORDS OF
FAMOUS PEOPLE
10. "I’ll
just blow down the barrel. That should clear any blockage." - Kurt
Cobain
9. " Pardon?" - Vincent van Gogh
8. "The great thing is, if I die now people will remember all
the great roles I’ve played, and not just Doctor Who and Wurzel Gummidge."
- Jon Pertwee
7. "I don’t know. What is six inches long, metal, and goes
‘bang’?"- John Lennon
6. "Are we out of toilet paper? Oh, man..." - Elvis Presley
5. "It’s a bit nippy tonight." - Scott of the Antarctic
4. "Kiss my hardy." - Admiral Nelson
3. "Stop laughing! This isn’t funny!" - Tommy Cooper
2. "Everybody look at the camera and smile. You too, Henri... Just do
it." - Princess Diana
1. "Stop it, Emu! Stop messing about - we’ll fall!" - Rod Hull
GEORGE LUCAS’S
DISCARDED ALTERNATIVES BEFORE SETTLING ON "MAY THE FORCE BE WITH
YOU"...
10. "May The
Horse Be Groovy"
9. "May The Forks Be With You"
8. "May The George Be With You"
7. "Force Yourself To Love It"
6. "May The Love Be With You"
5. "Cowabunga!"
4. "Best wishes to everyone!"
3. "Wahey!"
2. "May The 4th Be With You"
1. "Live long and prosper"
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO
THE POLICEMAN WHO HAS JUST STOPPED YOUR CAR
10. "You
facists always pick on us drunks."
9. "I’ll sit on your face if you promise to let me go."
8. "Oh, God. It’s about the murder, isn’t it?"
7. "Don’t look in the boot!"
6. "Well of course I was swerving across the road - I’ve had ten
pints."
5. "B-b-f-f-b-f-fuck. F-f-fuck it. Wha’ wasch I schaying?"
4. "There’s a gun under my seat and I’m not afraid to use
it."
3. "Do you want to have a race?"
2. "Okay, I’ll blow into the tube, but only if you do an impression
of a duck."
1. "Crush! Kill! Maim!"
NEW SUPER-HEROES
10. The Blister Pack
9. The Pink Salmon
8. Scampi-man
7. Vest Boy
6. Doctor Coldsores
5. Captain Pantyliner
4. The Pink Triangle
3. Horse-face Girl
2. The Invisible Oblong>
1. Doctor Hand-Me-Down
INAPPROPRIATE THINGS TO
SHOUT OUT DURING A FUNERAL
10. "Hooray!"
9. "Yippee!"
8. "Brilliant!"
7. "Banzaiiii!"
6. "Are you sure he’s dead? I think I just saw the coffin
move."
5. "Nice day for it."
4. "Everybody look at me for a minute - I’m going to do a special
dance."
3. "This is boring."
2. "I’m cool!"
1. "I’m glad I’m not dead!"
THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT SAY IN
A JOB INTERVIEW
10. "I’m going to
count to ten, and when I open my eyes I want you all to be naked."
9. "I will kill again."
8. "The doctors say that within a year or three I’ll be able to
control the voices without medication."
7. "Do you have a subsidised staff bar?"
6. "I can’t even remember why I’m here."
5. "Dracula is cool."
4. "What is your policy on play-fighting?"
3. "Can I come to work in pyjamas?"
2. "Can’t I just work from home?"
1. "Enough about me - let’s talk about you for a while."
THINGS WOMEN SHOULD NOT SAY
ON A FIRST DATE...
10. "Technically, I
still love Simon Le Bon."
9. "Will you marry me?"
8. "Cats are more intelligent than men."
7. "I might as well tell you now - I suffer from terrible fanny
farts."
6. "I used to be a man."
5. "I was drunk when I got here."
4. "Even the thought of oral sex turns my stomach."
3. "I must’ve slept with over four hundred men."
2. "I hate my hairy arse. It’s so unwomanly."
1. "Shall we get the money out of the way now?"
THINGS MEN SHOULD NOT SAY ON
A FIRST DATE...
10)
"So, anyway, now the police say I’m not even allowed to keep the
guns..."
9) "You should see my bedroom - it’s full of Star Trek
posters!"
8) "You look just like my mother in law."
7) "Hang on... Ooh! I’ve got a pubic hair caught under my
foreskin."
6) "When you do a poo, do you sometimes go back into the toilet a few
minutes afterwards to see if it still smells?"
5) "Do you like Dungeons & Dragons?"
4) "I shave my testicles."
3) "Is it true that women wee out of their bottoms?"
2) "I can name forty types of cheese."
1) "You should see my bedroom - it’s full of geese!"
TEN THINGS PROBABLY NOT TO
SAY DURING A WEDDING SPEECH IF YOU’RE THE BEST MAN
10. “I am the new
flesh!”
9. “I’ll kill you all!”
8. "I'm not who you think I am...”
7. “Piss fuck bollocks wank shit fuck fuck fuck fuck
f-f-f-f-fa-fa-fuck-fuck.”
6. “The groom probably doesn’t remember that time when we were 13 and
we tossed each other off in his bathroom, but I certainly do...”
5. “My eyes... they burn!”
4. “I haven’t written a speech.”
3. “I wish the bride and groom were both dead.”
2. “Here are three words you’re all familiar with: ugly fat bitch.”
1. “The bride probably doesn’t remember that time when we were 19 and
we tossed each other off in her living room, but I certainly do...”
  
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