SPECIALS REJECTED BY THE BBC
Delia Smith’s Turkey Massacre
9. Wallace &
Gromit Smoke Crack
8. Noel’s Wacky
7. Silent Night, Holy Shite: Christ’s First Crap
6. Noel’s Bonkers
5. Christmas Day
late-night Nude EastEnders
4. Noel’s Crazy
3. The Queen’s Arse At Christmas
Richard Bacon’s White Christmas
Frosty The Snow-leper
EUPHAMISMS FOR MASTURBATION
Decorating the tree
9. Stuffing the
8. Pulling the
7. Finding the
sixpence in the Christmas pudding
6. Opening the
5. Emptying the
4. Letting it snow
3. O coming all ye
2. Rum-pa-ta-tum with the little drummer boy
down the chimney and emptying the contents of your sack under the tree
FOR FORGETTING YOUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
"But my ass is killing me."
9. "A mind burglar came in while I was asleep and stole my
8. "Look - I've dropped my trousers. Happy anniversary,
7. "So what? You forgot to give me a blow job last night."
6. "What are you complaining about? At least I'm not a
5. "Yeah, yeah. Yadda yadda yadda. It's always something with
4. "Oh my God, I've gone blind!"
3. "Remember that time when I stubbed my toe a couple of months back?
Well, the doctor says it caused selective retrograde
2. "I've become Jewish, and Jews don't celebrate wedding
1. "But I have so much else on my mind, what with this terminal
cancer I have and everything…
Oh - I forgot to tell you about that, didn't I! Silly me."
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER AT A PRESS CONFERENCE
“Why are you so gay?”
9. “So what kind of a stupid accent is that anyway?”
8. “Why are are your films so rubbish?”
7. “Where do you get all your ideas?”
6. “You kicked ass in The Jane Mansfield Story, man.”
5. “Being near you makes me feel horny.”
4. “Do you want a lick of my lolly?”
3. “I bet you’ve never seen a pen as cool as this.”
2. “I’ve got your face tattooed on my balls.”
1. “You fat bastard! You fat bastard! You fat bastard!”
TO SAY WHEN ACCEPTING AN ACADEMY AWARD
10. "Sffft! Man…
my coke was cut with Christ-knows-
9. "As I look out upon this sea of famous faces, I can't help but
think: 'I wish I'd stayed at home."
8. "Aw man…John Travolta creamed on my tuxedo."
7. "Let's get naked!"
6. "I can… hear your… freak thoughts, scratch-scratching
...inside your swollen freak brain cases…"
5. "I'm going to take this award home, smear it with - mmm, yeah -
baby oil, and slide it right up my hot little ass."
4. "Fuck off, bastards."
3. "I'd like to thank Satan and the forces of darkness. Adolf Hitler
and the Nazi Scourge. Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Donny Osmond.
2. "I am so glad Robin Williams didn't win."
1. "Whoo-hoo! I'm king of the world!"
LINES JOHN LENNON
ORIGINALLY INCLUDED IN ‘IMAGINE’
there was a cream men could use so that they didn’t have to shave
9. “Imagine all the people doing all that stuff.”
8. “Imagine something something about something.”
7. “Imagine Paul McCartney swinging from a lamppost. By his neck.”
6. “Imagine the Queen wiping her bottom.”
5. “Imagine all the people in an octopus’s garden.”
4. “Imagine my huge tax bill.”
3. “Imagine na-na-na-na-
nananana. Goo goo g’joob.”
2. “Imagine all the royalties…”
“Imagine all the people in a yellow submarine etc. (repeat until
SONGS THEY SHOULD PLAY AT
THE MILLENNIUM DOME PARTY ON THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT, DECEMBER 31st
10. The Birdie Song
9. Anything by The Ramones
8. My Ding-A-Ling
7. The theme music to The Dukes Of Hazzard
6. There’s No-One Quite Like Grandma
5. Anarchy In The UK
3. Tight Fit’s version of The Lion Sleeps Tonight
2. The theme music to Doctor Who
1.Nellie The Elephant
OUT OF THE NEW JAMES BOND FILM
10. "So there you
are, Bond. I see you're displaying your testicles again."
9. "I like my Martinis like I like my women - oiled and naked and
gagging for it. And they also have to have big tits."
8. "What do you think of my gun? It's shaped a little like a penis,
don't you think?"
7. "You're Swedish you say? I bet that means you like to have lots
6. "Is that a pistol in your pocket, Mr Bond, or do you just have an
5. "There's nothing like a big bang first thing in the morning. Or a
blowjob. Either is fine."
4. "Put up a brave front, Moneypenny. It shouldn't be difficult with
those jugs. By which I mean ladies breasts. May I…?"
3. "Brrr. It's jolly cold in here. Look - my parts have shrivelled
away to nothing, and your nips are sticking out like rolled-up
2. "Ah, Q, I hope you've got some sexual euphemisms for me, because
I'm all out."
1. "I'd heard that American ladies are full of spunk. Well, you
certainly are now."
THINGS NOT TO ASK A
10. “Are you wearing
underpants under that?”
9. “Have you ever washed your balls in the font, and then not changed
the water, and then done a Christening?”
8. “What’s your favourite Brazilian thrash band?”
7. “When I die and I go to Heaven, will I still be able to download
pornography off the Internet?”
6. “Can I play a kazoo during The Lord’s Prayer this Sunday?”
5. “Did you hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic?”
4. “Does God still have that big white beard and shit?”
3. “Why on your stained glass window does Jesus look like a handsome
1970s Caucasian porn star, when in reality he probably looked more like
Billy Joel with a beard?”
2. “Why should my beliefs as an agnostic be any less valid than yours as
a believer? Why should my blasphemy be more offensive to you than you
saying to me that God exists? Eh? Answer me that, God-boy. Go on.”
“Is it OK if I put a saddle on a big dog, and ride it around the church
WAYS TO END THE FINAL
SEASON OF THE X-FILES
10. It was all a dream.
9. Brief Claymation segment, detailing the happy years which following in
the wake of Mulder And Scully's
8. Dry monologue direct to camera by David Duchovny, giving his thoughts
on the cyclical nature of genre television.
7. You mean... Scully was an alien all along?!!?
6. Skinner throws Cancer Man down the reactor shaft, and begs Mulder to
"remove my helmet, so that I may look upon you with my own
5. An epic song and dance routine featuring the cast of the show past and
present. Ends on Duchovny and Anderson crooning "We'll Meet
4. Mulder steps out in front of a truck and - BAM!
3. Powerful Pokemon-style, epilepsy-inducing strobe light sequence.
2. Skinner presents Mulder And Scully with gold-plated carriage clock.
1. Mulder succumbs to his latent homosexuality.