EXCUSES FOR EXPLAINING TO A POLICEMAN WHY THERE'S A CORPSE IN YOUR
10. "Well he wasn't dead when I picked him up."
9. "I found him outside
my house. I was just taking him down the riv... er...I mean
8. "When he wakes up
you're going to feel real stupid."
7. "He's not dead.
6. "Hahah! My realistic
rubber corpse claims another victim!"
5. "Why - you got
something against dead people?"
4. "He's not so much
dead as undead..."
3. "Can't you just
pretend you didn't see him?"
2. "Urrrgh! How that
1. "Since when was
having a dead guy in your car an offence, anyway?"
TO WEAR TO A JOB INTERVIEW
9. A wizard’s hat.
8. A t-shirt
which reads “Wine Me, Dine Me, 69 Me”
7. One of
those “Don’t Shoot The Chef” aprons.
rubber clown shoes.
short shorts, topped off with a blazer.
4. A Freddie
3. A Pearly
Caveman-style animal skins.
One of those novelty inflatable sumo wrestler suits.
THINGS NOT TO SHOUT OUT DURING YOUR LOCAL
CINEMA’S BACK-TO-BACK STAR WARS MARATHON
“Live long and prosper!”
“I done pee pee in my pants.”
is a girl!”
7. “I am
the new flesh!”
6. “Oh my
god there’s a corpse under my seat!”
No, he can’t be his father! No way!”
someone tell me if this is the right place for the all-night Police
“Schvooo! Schvoooom! Schvvv-ooooom!”
1. “Die, losers!”
NEW OASIS ALBUM TRACKLISTING IN FULL
10. Hey Jood
9. I Am The
8. Lady Maradona
7. Fenny Lane
5. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Deh
4. Purple Submarine
3. All You Need Is
2. Peter In The Sky With Diamonds
SIDIOUS AND VADER: GEORGE LUCAS’S STAR WARS EPISODE II SITH LORD
8. Darth Verness
6. Darth Dustry
1. Darth Stantcoffee
NOT TO DO WHILE SERVING ABOARD A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE
10. Play with fireworks.
9. Clay pigeon shooting.
8. Fire the captain's shoes
out of the torpedo tube for a joke.
7. Strut around in a crushed
velvet suit like you own the place.
6. Randomly punch buttons in
the control room because you're bored.
5. Tune the radio into Russian frequencies and make jokes about
potatoes and beetroot to
whoever answers, repeatedly addressing them as "Comrade
4. Fire the smallest crewman out of the torpedo tube for a joke.
3. Bring a flamingo aboard
and try to ride it around the galley.
2. Open the windows to
ventilate the toilet after doing a particularly smelly poo.
1. Bend down in the
HARRY POTTER BOOKS
Potter And The Magical Demon
9. Harry Potter And
The Darkening Of The Scrotum
8. Harry Potter And
The Onset Of Puberty
7. Harry Potter And
The Trousers Of Wetdream
6. Harry Potter And
The Girl In Front Of Him During His Maths Test With The Visible Bra
5. Harry Potter And
The Unexpected Erection
4. Harry Potter And
The Surreptitious Trip To The Lavatory
3. Harry Potter And
The Porn Mags Of Dustbin
2. Harry Potter And
The Wizard Of Ba’ath’thymer Ankh
1. Harry Potter And
The Homemade Compilation Of Clips From Eurotrash
YOU WERE TOLD YOU COULD DO TO COMPACT DISCS WITHOUT DAMAGING THEM
10. Eat your dinner off them.
9. Drive a truck
8. Scrub them with a scouring pad.
7. Hit them with
6. Use them as
Ninja death discs (possibly misheard)
5. Feed them to an
elephant, and then fish them out of its solid waste.
4. Use them as
shields for miniature riot police during a miniature Brixton Riot in
3. Pour molecular
acid on them.
2. Fire them into a
Kick them up a tramp’s backside
THINGS TO DO WITH FIREWORKS
Sellotape soiled nappies to rockets and set them off.
9. Strap a load of
roman candles to rockets and set them off.
8. Throw lit
Catherine wheels like Frisbees.
7. Fire rockets
along the ground.
6. Throw them into
5. Put a saucer on
your head, and then put a firework on top of it and light it.
4. Attach them by
lengths of rope to the ground.
3. Attach them by
lengths of rope to family pets, especially birds and cats.
2. Light them, and
then kick them at your friends.
1. Put them in the
microwave and turn it on.
NOT TO DO IN A JOB INTERVIEW
10. Wipe your palm on your trousers after shaking the interviewer’s
9. Deliberately cough a mouthful of phlegm onto your chin.
8. Make quiet “duck noises”
while you’re being asked a question.
7. Offer to show your appendix scar.
6. Wear an “I’m With
Stupid” t-shirt, and repeatedly refer to your invisible mentally
handicapped twin brother who you brought with you.
5. Human beatbox.
3. Let a balloon off in the interviewer’s face.
2. Smoke the biggest cigar you
1. Pull your trousers and pants down around your arse, just before
taking a seat.