EXCUSES FOR EXPLAINING TO A POLICEMAN WHY THERE'S A CORPSE IN YOUR CAR...

10. "Well he wasn't dead when I picked him up."
9. "I found him outside my house. I was just taking him down the riv... er...I mean morgue."
8. "When he wakes up you're going to feel real stupid."
7. "He's not dead. He's... drunk."
6. "Hahah! My realistic rubber corpse claims another victim!"
5. "Why - you got something against dead people?"
4. "He's not so much dead as undead..."
3. "Can't you just pretend you didn't see him?"
2. "Urrrgh! How that get there??!?"
1. "Since when was having a dead guy in your car an offence, anyway?"

THINGS NOT TO WEAR TO A JOB INTERVIEW

 10. A cape.
9. A wizard’s hat.
8. A t-shirt which reads “Wine Me, Dine Me, 69 Me”
7. One of those “Don’t Shoot The Chef” aprons.
6. Comedy rubber clown shoes.
5. Really short shorts, topped off with a blazer.
4. A Freddie Kruger glove.
3. A Pearly Queen outfit.
2. Caveman-style animal skins.
1. One of those novelty inflatable sumo wrestler suits.

THINGS NOT TO SHOUT OUT DURING YOUR LOCAL CINEMA’S BACK-TO-BACK STAR WARS MARATHON

 10. “Live long and prosper!”
9. “I done pee pee in my pants.”
8. “Luke is a girl!”
7. “I am the new flesh!”
6. “Oh my god there’s a corpse under my seat!”
5. “No! No, he can’t be his father! No way!”
4. “Can someone tell me if this is the right place for the all-night Police Academy Marathon?”
3. “Schvooo! Schvoooom! Schvvv-ooooom!”
2. “This film sucks!”
1. “Die, losers!”

THE NEW OASIS ALBUM TRACKLISTING IN FULL

10. Hey Jood
9. I Am The Woolworths
8. Lady Maradona
7. Fenny Lane
6. Revelation
5. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Deh
4. Purple Submarine
3. All You Need Is Luv
2. Peter In The Sky With Diamonds
1. Eleanor Whigby

AFTER SIDIOUS AND VADER: GEORGE LUCAS’S STAR WARS EPISODE II SITH LORD SHORTLIST  

10. Darth Dividuality
9. Darth Fection
8. Darth Verness
7. Darth Cometax
6. Darth Dustry
5. Darth Decentexposure
4. Darth Landrevenue
3. Darth Nuenndo
2. Darth Tercourse
1. Darth Stantcoffee  

THINGS NOT TO DO WHILE SERVING ABOARD A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE

10. Play with fireworks.
9. Clay pigeon shooting.
8. Fire the captain's shoes out of the torpedo tube for a joke.
7. Strut around in a crushed velvet suit like you own the place.
6. Randomly punch buttons in the control room because you're bored.
5. Tune the radio into Russian frequencies and make jokes about potatoes and beetroot to whoever answers, repeatedly addressing them as "Comrade Potato".
4. Fire the smallest crewman out of the torpedo tube for a joke.
3. Bring a flamingo aboard and try to ride it around the galley.
2. Open the windows to ventilate the toilet after doing a particularly smelly poo.
1. Bend down in the shower.

FORTHCOMING HARRY POTTER BOOKS

10. Harry Potter And The Magical Demon
9. Harry Potter And The Darkening Of The Scrotum
8. Harry Potter And The Onset Of Puberty
7. Harry Potter And The Trousers Of Wetdream
6. Harry Potter And The Girl In Front Of Him During His Maths Test With The Visible Bra Strap
5. Harry Potter And The Unexpected Erection
4. Harry Potter And The Surreptitious Trip To The Lavatory
3. Harry Potter And The Porn Mags Of Dustbin
2. Harry Potter And The Wizard Of Ba’ath’thymer Ankh
1. Harry Potter And The Homemade Compilation Of Clips From Eurotrash

THINGS YOU WERE TOLD YOU COULD DO TO COMPACT DISCS WITHOUT DAMAGING THEM

10. Eat your dinner off them.
9. Drive a truck over them.
8. Scrub them with a scouring pad.
7. Hit them with hammers.
6. Use them as Ninja death discs (possibly misheard)
5. Feed them to an elephant, and then fish them out of its solid waste.
4. Use them as shields for miniature riot police during a miniature Brixton Riot in Toy Town.
3. Pour molecular acid on them.
2. Fire them into a black hole
1. Kick them up a tramp’s backside

EXCELLENT THINGS TO DO WITH FIREWORKS

 10. Sellotape soiled nappies to rockets and set them off.
9. Strap a load of roman candles to rockets and set them off.
8. Throw lit Catherine wheels like Frisbees.
7. Fire rockets along the ground.
6. Throw them into the fire.
5. Put a saucer on your head, and then put a firework on top of it and light it.
4. Attach them by lengths of rope to the ground.
3. Attach them by lengths of rope to family pets, especially birds and cats.
2. Light them, and then kick them at your friends.
1. Put them in the microwave and turn it on.

THINGS NOT TO DO IN A JOB INTERVIEW

10. Wipe your palm on your trousers after shaking the interviewer’s hand.
9. Deliberately cough a mouthful of phlegm onto your chin.
8. Make quiet “duck noises” while you’re being asked a question.
7. Offer to show your appendix scar.
6. Wear an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, and repeatedly refer to your invisible mentally handicapped twin brother who you brought with you.
5. Human beatbox.
4. Whistle.
3. Let a balloon off in the interviewer’s face.
2. Smoke the biggest cigar you can find.
1. Pull your trousers and pants down around your arse, just before taking a seat.