BIRDS WITH SNIGGERWORTHY NAMES
10. Shag
9. Tit
8. Robin red breast
7. Bustard
6. Cock
5. Feathered chuff
4. Assbandit
3. Bellend
2. Vagina bird
1. Dribbling butt-juice eagle

FURTHER FAMOUS LAST WORDS
10. “Which one of these did you say had bullets in?”
9. “I swear to you – cobras aren’t poisonous. Watch...”
8. “I can’t find the recipe book, but I’m sure it listed bleach and rat poison as key ingredients of a strawberry cheesecake.”
7. “Ha ha! Stupid wolf.”
6. “At last – my prototype hydraulic trouser tightener is complete. This should shake up the belt and braces industries! And now for the first practical test…”
5. “Jesus Christ, this fish tastes like you cooked it in a sewer! Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained.”
4. “Wheeeeeee!”
3. “What do you mean ‘what about the blades’? I’ll prove to you that a helicopter ejector seat is feasible. Just start the engine, you stupid pilot.”
2. “Should it be bleeding like that?”
1. “Look, honestly – we don’t need to pay thousands for chemotherapy. I’ll just smash open the microwave door and stick my head in. It’ll be fine.”

BRAND NEW GENUTAININMENT SPECIALS
10. “World’s Coldest Women”
9. “When Ulcers Erupt”
8. “World’s Most Amazing Elephant Enemas”
7. “When Men Fall Off Bridges Onto Spikes”
6. “When Folding Chairs Collapse”
5. “World’s Frostiest Receptions”
4. “World’s Campest Sailors”
3. “When Organised Protest Marches Get Lost”
2. “World’s Most Spectacular Failed Attempts To Pick Up Women In Bars”
1. “When Little Guys Get Sat Upon”

POORLY CONCEIVED SCHOOL ESSAY TITLES
10. My Mother, The Slut
9. How I Killed The Dog
8. What I Saw Daddy Doing In The Bath
7. Eminem: A Lyrical Analysis
6. My Mummy Smells Of Fish: An Investigation Into Parental Hygiene
5. The Magazines In Daddy’s Briefcase
4. The Fluffs Beneath My Foreskin
3. Visible Bra-Straps And Why They Should Be Banned
2. Dreaming About My Teacher, or: How I Messed My Quilt.
1. Daddy’s Funny Tasting Balloons

EXCUSES WHEN BUYING CONDOMS

10. “I need them for a school science project.”
9. “I’m going swimming and my armbands have burst.”
8. “I’m making a paella and the supermarket is all out of calamari.”
7. “They last longer than bubblegum.”
6. “I want to be able to take my goldfish down the shops with me.”
5. “I can’t get gloves to fit me.”
4. “They’re for my dad.”
3. “I like to blow them up and put bugs in them and shake them around.”
2. “My cake icer is broken.”

1. “My gerbil is an S&M freak. These will make ideal rubber bodysuits for him.”

QUESTIONS NOT TO ASK A STAR TREK CONVENTION Q&A PANEL
10. "Why did those guys always say Beam Me Up, Scotty?"
9. "Why is Star Trek so gay?"
8. "Why doesn't the Federation have lightsabres?"
7. "In a fight between Spock and Wolverine, who would win?"
6. "Where's the bar?"
5. "Do women still have periods in the 26th Century?"
4. "Do people still use toilet paper or is there, like, some sort of sonic ass-wiper?"
3. "I sent you a Voyager script and Q was in it, and he, like, took over Vulcan, and then he used the Borgs as his slaves, and Kirk's lost son was in it and stuff. Why did you never reply to me?"
2. "Do you want to see my scars?"
1. "Do you have any advice for a habitual masturbator who really needs to cut down?"

CHILDREN OF THE ATOM - RADIOACTIVE MUTANT CHARACTERS YOU WON'T BE SEEING IN THE X-MEN
10. Captain Tumour
9. Madam Malignancy
8. Luke Emia
7. Nil-By-Mouth
6. The Barium Meal
5. Melanoma Boy
4. The Incredible Skin Lesion
3. Lung Shadow
2. Remissionary Man
1. Growth Remover

MOST EFFECTIVE WAYS OF ENDING A RELATIONSHIP

10. “I sometimes have this sexual fantasy that we’re my parents.”
9. “I used your toothbrush to clean under my foreskin.”
8. “My work here is done. I must return to my own time now…”
7. “If I don’t fulfil my dream of establishing Europe’s premier freakshow soon it’ll be too late. The local special school has promised to hire me some of their pupils at weekends.”
6. “It wasn’t the dog who did that poo on the bed…”
5. ”Sorry, love, but your tits just don’t cut the mustard.”
4. “Your cock tastes funny.”
3. “I can hear that kibbutz calling me from here…!”
2. “It was me who killed your pony. Man, you should’ve seen his little face when I whacked him with that hammer!”
1. “I can’t explain, but I need to leave the country. If the police turn up asking about a Brazilian transsexual and a nightclub routine involving ping-pong balls and a bottle of vodka – you know nothing, right?

JAPANESE GAME SHOWS

10. The Whale Is Fat, It Must Die
9. Drink The Contents!
8. Where The Monkeys Go… You Must Go!
7. Kill All Dogs
6. Dancing, Stripping… And Scorpions!
5. Mr Dragon’s Happy Happy Corkscrew Eye-socket Penetration Romance
4. Shoot The Contestant 
3. Throats Of Steel
2. The Golden Swan Cannon
1. Chalice Of Stupid Putrid Pig Guts

THINGS FOUND BEHIND FRIDGES

10. Empty biro casings
9. Dried peas
8. Copper coins
7. Bank letters informing you of bounced direct debits
6. Lego bricks
5. Department store loyalty scheme discount cards
4. Detachable anorak hoods
3. Important-looking bits of plastic which have broken off of something
2. Fluffs
1. Severed fingers (serial killers only)