10. When Avocados Get Microwaved
9. Lift Attendants From Hell
8. World’s Gayest Drivers
7. When Piercings Go Bad
6. World’s Dullest Vicars
5. The Secret Life Of Electrical Appliances Salesmen
4. When Dogs Get Injected
3. World’s Most Profound Receptionists
2. The Secret Life Of Local Council Finance Committee Chairmen
1. World’s Grainiest Videos

10. Ask the birthday boy or girl to pick a card, and then make it look as if he or she made you drop them, and call him or her a “Silly fucking monkey”.
9. During your act, burst a blood capsule in your mouth, and pretend your lungs have burst.
8. Pull a live dove from under your cape, and smack it hard against the wall.
7. Try to look up the child’s mother’s dress to see “If there’s any magic up there”…
6. Ask if you can use the toilet, and arrange to get caught injecting heroin into your groin.
5. Try to lead the guests in a singalong of “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, and mime shooting your head off during it.
4. Wow them with your impressions of famous Nazi officers, such as Himmler and Goerring.
3. Ask the birthday boy or girl to pick a card, and then fire the entire pack in his or her face, and while they’re confused pull their trousers down and encourage the other kids to laugh at them.
2. Make balloon animals for the children, and have them simulate sex with the words: “Look – they’re bumming each other up!”
1. Pull your trousers down and sit on the jelly.

10. Ask a sales assistant to demonstrate a burglar alarm for you, and insist that he plays the part of a burglar while you attempt to blow his knees away with an imaginary shotgun.
9. When an assistant is approaching, suddenly recoil away from one of the display drills screaming and holding your eye.
8. Ask a sales assistant to demonstrate the letterboxes for you.
7. Stumble away from the houselights section rubbing your eyes, claiming to have been blinded, and shouting to people: “Don’t go that way… don’t go in there!”
6. Ask a sales assistant to demonstrate a hammer for you, and then ask whether he has one in a different colour.
5. Complain to the manager that one of the garden gnomes swore at you.
4. Take a really, really, really big bit of wood to the wood cutting section, and ask them to cut you a one inch square.
3. Ask a sales assistant to mix you some paint that’s: “A little bit umber, a little bit puce, with a touch of frostbite – essentially the hue of a putrid crow.”
2. And then refuse to be more specific, and accuse him of trying to cheat.
1. Stand in the aisles with the front doors, holding a piece of paper, and scratching your head saying: “I’m sure this is the right street…”

10. Light a roman candle and wave it at the examiner’s lap, laughing, and then drop it at his feet.
9. Throw stink bombs at passers-by.
8. Turn the radio on really loud.
7. Insist the brakes have failed, and start hitting your horn, and leaning out of the window shouting “No brakes! NO BRAKES!”
6. Swig repeatedly from a bottle of absinthe.
5. Keep asking him: “How much longer till we get there?”
4. Suddenly release your seatbelt while travelling at 40mph, open the door, and let yourself roll out into the road.
3. Breath on the window, draw a funny face in the condensation, and tell the examiner it’s a picture of him.
2. Tell him you’ve got “balls like coconuts”.
1. As you’re approaching the car for the first time, pretend there’s an invisible force field around it, preventing you from entering. 

10. Repeatedly run over by R2-D2 until he's a browny-red stain on the desert sand.
9. Mistakes an inactive lightsabre for a suppository.
8. Legs removed by Pepe Le Space Chef, and fed to Jabba The Hutt.
7. Gets his stupid throat kicked in by a laughing Obi-Wan Kenobi.
6. Becomes first ever victim of that patent Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker remote strangulation thing. And then has his body mutilated by space cows.
5. "Bounces" too close to a "supernova." 
4. Botched attempts to mimic Wookiee language inadvertently result in calling the wife of Wookiee tribe leader "A fat hoo'er".
3. Chokes on Jabba The Hutt's vomit.
2. Hilarious capering mistaken for violent gestures by short-tempered midget.
1. Sticks that big ol' tongue where he shouldn't.

10. Take off your old shoes and throw them really hard at the racks of new shoes.
9. Ask an assistant to help you try on a new shoe, and as they're fitting it suddenly freeze and slowly topple sideways off the seat making a low squeaking sound. Afterwards, ask her if she knows why that happened.
8. Smuggle in a number of old and tatty shoes and place them on the shelves among the new shoes.
7. Tie several pairs of shoes to a long trench coat using different lengths of ribbon. Then wander around the shoe shop shouting "Special deals today at
this shoe shop! Just ask for details! Special deals today!" and see how long it is before they throw you out.
6. As you go to pay for the shoes, and the assistant is about to take the money, suddenly shout "SHOES!" at her as loud as you possibly can.
5. And then act as if nothing happened.
4. Release a peacock into the shop and run away.
3. Act really suspicious, and when you're certain you have their attention, start spooning lime jelly into a corner of the shop. When they try to throw you out ask if they want to have a foodfight.
2. Hide a load of offal up your trousers, and gradually release it as you walk up and down testing out a pair of shoes.
1. Keep stroking the assistant's wrist as they help fit the shoes, and when you've paid for your shoes, unfold a crude collage of Page 3 women from your pocket, and leave it on the counter with a hiss.

10. Pretend to die
9. Suddenly lunge at the other person, making big snapping motions with your arms, like a shark’s mouth
8. Start spinning around in a corner very fast shouting “Out. Of. Con. Trol” in a Dalek-like voice.
7. Baffle them with irrelevant pronouncements like “Yeah, but that’s like comparing Egyptians to paper bags” and “Yeah, but you might as well look for lost socks on the moon…”
6. Every time they go to speak start mouthing the theme tune to Starsky And Hutch, getting louder whenever they tell you to stop.
5. Start crying and say you’re really sorry, but it’s the anniversary of your granddad’s death, and that the other person suddenly reminded you of him.
4. And then add that your granddad used to sexually abuse you.
3. Really, really angrily start agreeing with them.
2. Pull out a gun and shoot yourself in the leg.
1. Suddenly announce that you’re gay.

10. Freeze-dry all whales to prevent further losses.
9. Replace poles with non-melt replica polystyrene snow.
8. Replace endangered species such as tigers, pandas etc. with long-life
robotic replicas, with integral "double fun" features such as funny sound effects and Silly String dispensers.
7. Relocate rain forests to the moon, thereby putting them out of reach of
greedy timber merchants.
6. Implement "shoot-on-sight" enforcement of existing environmental laws.
5. Buy two of everything, thereby doubling the amount of waste that can be recycled.
4. Remove high-polluting nuclear reactors, and replace with high-efficiency generators powered by burning human corpses and/or Romanian immigrants running round on treadmills.
3. Immediate cull of resource-devouring obese children. And ugly children.
2. Invent more stuff that's good for the environment.
1. Genetically engineer a super-intelligent monkey and ask him what he thinks
we should do.


10. Johnny Spike-Hands™
9. Hiroki: The Razor-Spitting Robot™
8. Lil’ Bastard Cop™ Home Electrocution Kit
7. Worm Melter!™
6. Novelty poisoned walnuts
5. Lil’ Bastard Cop™ Face Smasher
4. Ken Dragon: The Legendary Burning Doll™
3. Ass Brand™ Super Comedy Toothpaste
2. Lil’ Bastard Cop™ Razor Wire Factory
1. Mr Shoot-Up™ Junior Heroin




10. “A burglar must have put them there.”
9. “What would I want those for anyway? Everyone knows I’m gay.”
8. “Part of my art coursework is to do a nude study. I mean, I can hardly ask the pair of you to strip off for me.”
7. “If you don’t let me keep them I’ll have to start using prostitutes again.”
6. “Grandad asked me to look after them for him.”
5. “They’re just naked ladies, for god’s sake.”
4. “If you don’t let me keep them I’ll have to start killing women again.”
3. “Oh, and I suppose you’ve never masturbated.”
2. “I was thinking of becoming a gynaecologist and have been using them to practice my craft. That’s why I’ve cut holes in the pages. And those stains are from a leading medical lubricant I’ve been using.”
1. “Well I bet Phil Collins reads them.”


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